How to Keep Calm, Cool Off, and Communicate Like a Grown-up
- Do you get hot under the collar when someone rubs you the wrong way?
- Is it difficult to calm down after you get upset?
- Do you wish you could engage in a productive conflict without getting into a childish fight?
Staying calm under pressure is the secret of successful people. It is also a skill that can be learned and perfected. Here are a few tips for how to keep calm, cool off and communicate like a grownup.
Breathe
Don’t feel rushed. Take your time. Take a deep breath or two. Allow yourself to find your center again.
Nothing is so important that you can’t breathe.
Stay in the present moment
Take everything one step at a time. Don’t let your emotions run away with you.
Identify your triggers
Certain things will probably always upset you. Maybe it’s the way someone speaks or the vocabulary they use. Maybe it’s something that reminds you of a traumatic experience in the past.
The better you know yourself, the more prepared you will be able to protect yourself against feeling overwhelmed and acting defensively.
Identify your goals
Know what you want from a conversation. And keep focused on your goal. That way, you can move past minor irritations and side issues. Your goal is more important than temporary irritations.
Give yourself space
Cooling off usually works best when you allow yourself a brief, private respite from the conflict. Recent studies show that giving each other space and a little bit of time is how humans and even primates manage to get on with each other.
Look at the big picture
Take a step back (figuratively and literally) and try to put things into perspective.
How important is the present conflict or obstacle in the wider landscape of your life? Can you let it go without losing yourself? How much do you need to assert yourself without losing the goodwill of the other side?
Remember who you are talking to
If you are talking to a difficult person, don’t take their comments personally. Instead, consider the source. Personal attacks and rudeness are never a satisfying solution to conflicts. If you are talking to a loved one, remember that you care about them. A grownup will always put the relationship first.
Listen and respond to what people are actually saying
Try to understand what is behind and beyond the surface. If someone is angry, ask yourself who they are really angry with. It may not be you! If someone is very critical, perhaps they are just very disappointed. In other words, an adult listens with the head and heart.
Admit your mistakes
Grownups admit their mistakes. This effectively streamlines difficult conversations. You don’t have to expend energy and emotions on defending something indefensible. It is very liberating, as you are not the prisoner of a fragile ego.
Respect others – whoever they are
Try to respect others, even if they don’t act very grown up. There is always a reason why people get overwhelmed and out of control. Respect that reason, even if the person upsets you.
When you respect others, you respect yourself.
Be generous.
Don’t argue every little point. Don’t try to make a point when you could make a friend. As an adult, you can acknowledge the merit of someone else’s position, even if you strongly disagree with it.
As an adult, you can see what the other person needs from you, and you can give them some of what they need. You will still have plenty.
Know where to draw the line
Sometimes, it is futile to argue further. The positions are just too far apart from each other. You are only hurting each other without a reasonable outcome in sight.
In that case, it is best to end the conversation and agree that a conflict cannot be resolved. That may be the most grownup communication skill of all.
Keeping calm, cooling off, and communicating like a grownup are skills that will last you a life time. And don’t forget to add the skill of forgiving yourself if you occasionally fall back into acting like a child.
Simply, try to repair the damage and engage like an adult again as soon as you can. Perhaps this will encourage others to act more like grownups, too.
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